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Fathers Day

I know a lot of fathers who would like a plasma-arc fillet knife/light saber. This is just one of the Father’s Day gifts I wish were made. I have a few more ideas to offer in this week’s column. Some budding entrepreneur could make millions if they could figure out how to bring my ideas to market!

Father’s Day is coming soon. There are lots of nice gifts on the market to honor your dad, and I’m not knocking them. They’re great and they are given with love and appreciation for all the good things dads do throughout the year. It is just that they….well, they sometimes leave a little to be desired.

Dad will “appreciate” whatever he gets, because that’s the way dads are. He will like and probably use that ergonomically designed seat cover with 3-way lumbar support and climate control for his vehicle. The new digitally controlled weed sprayer will undoubtedly be a hit. Even the glow-in-the-dark, leaping walleye neck tie that you obtained through the Ely, Minnesota Chamber of Commerce’s lucky drawing will be appreciated by your dad on Father’s Day.

What about those items that dads really want? Where are they? We live in a society so technologically advanced that we can invent Teflon so things don’t stink to pans. We can even figure out how to get the non-stick Teflon stuck to the pan. Pretty technical stuff.

If your dear old dad just happens to be a fisherman, then here are a few ideas I am certain he’d like to have. Just one minor problem…….no one has invented them, yet. I imagine that these products would be big sellers around Father’s Day, if you could find them:

Plasma Arc Filet Knife – If you are a Star Wars fan you’ll understand this one! I want a pocket-sized light saber, kind of like the one Obi-Wan Kenobi carries with him, only smaller. I want to be able to clean, filet and fry my catch all at the same time. A few deft manipulations of the wrist and you’d have a complete fish dinner prepared, hot and ready to eat. Something like this would also be a really neat to hang over the edge of the boat during the day to keep jet skiers at bay or at night to attract crappie.

Shin Sonar – vectors you away from your trailer hitch in dark garages. This device is essential for the angler who also has young children. By avoiding the bashing of your shins, you will also maintain your composure and your tongue. No need in expanding the children’s vocabulary any sooner than it will be on its own.

Hover Shoes – in the event that you take a misstep off the dock at 2:30am or slide off the end of some precarious perch you’re trying to fish from, this invention will safely lift you across the water and automatically to the nearest shoreline. As soon as these special shoes detect water they would instantly activate powerful jets in the soles that would enable you to quietly hover mere millimeters above the surface of the water. I haven’t quite figured out what would happen if you hit the water headfirst?

Boat Ejector Seat – just like in the James Bond movies, you could easily rid yourself of a fishing partner that has lost his or her appeal. For example, after they’ve caught their 50th fish and continue to tell you what you’re doing wrong and why you can’t catch a fish. You get the picture. A simple press of the button and you could launch your partner back to the marina.

Translator Units – these handy bits of technological wizardry would actually work two ways: 1) it would allow family members and non-anglers to actually interpret the gibberish you mumble when you know the fish are biting but you are not able to be on the water. 2) it will actually allow you to hear human speech by penetrating the shell that envelops all anglers from roughly March to November of each year. You will be amazed at what the wife and kids can tell you. Combine this with your Stupid Alarm and you can answer most questions semi-intelligently and be taken out in public without embarrassing your family.

That’s about all I have time for right now. If you know any inventive souls out there, put them to work on one of these ideas. Make Father’s Day really special.

75th Anniversary of D-Day

It was 75 years ago today that D-Day, the landing on the beaches of western France, began. We remember the names of some of the beaches: Omaha, Gold, Juno, Utah and Sword. It was the biggest landing force ever assembled. It was a bloody and epic day for those who fought for freedom.

Say a prayer for every veteran of World War II and one for every veteran to serve in our armed forces since, including those in uniform today. If it were not for them, our world would be a much different place, and in my opinion, a worse place to live.

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